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I should have felt relieved, possibly even elated. I didn't. I did what I thought was necessary to shock my wife into thinking about us. Our marriage. Our relationship. Our future. I left her no way out. On Friday, I would probably know if we had any future.I thought about who I was and what I wanted. Did I want this marriage to continue? Did I love Edie? I deliberately avoided telling her I loved her. I wasn't sure myself and so it was better not to mislead her if I had lost that love. How would I know? I once read that the test for love was to imagine your life without your partner. Divorce, death, whatever reason ... how would I carry on?Could I get past her deceit those many years ago and forgive her? At first I didn't think so. But now ... now I'm not so certain. She couldn't take it back. She couldn't make it right at this late date. Could I live with that as well? She had to admit to her sin before I could decide. She had to acknowledge that she had inflicted another deep. Whatever the reason or reasons when I got home that night I was pretty fixed on the fact that I was going to take my Mom, have my way with her, and let the cards fall where they may. I had been living back home for about three weeks and I was miserable. I moved out when I was seventeen, went to college, got a graduate degree, and then hit the job market. My timing couldn’t have been worse. Just when things should be taking off, the economy went south so at twenty-four I had to swallow my pride and move back home until things improved. What was an even more difficult problem was the fact that the biggest reason I went to college out of state was to get away from my Mom. It wasn’t due to cruelty or that she made my life hell, but in a way she did. Ever since I had those first sexual urgings, I wanted her. Endless afternoons, and late nights were spent working the monster, with my door partially ajar in hope that she would come into my room, catch me…and…well you can pretty much.
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